I'm Running for President

Go home hair, you're drunk

Donald Trump entered the GOP presidential race today, assumedly naming his hair as his running mate. This brings the total nominees to 58 - 27 Republicans, 13 Democrats, 10 Independents, 4 Libertarians, 2 Constitutionalists, 1 Reformer, and 1 Green party.

All of these people think they have what it takes to lead a country of 325 million people while simultaneously doing their best to not piss off the rest of the world, and drop some freedom on yo ass if you ain't got no freedoms.

I'm 98% sure I'm smarter than all of these people, or at least all but maybe 2, so I should throw my proverbial presidential hat into the ring as well. I mean, I'm not 35 yet, the minimum age to run for president, but that didn't stop a Kenyan from serving two terms and a Canadian from running, so I think they are pretty lax on those rules nowadays. The only hurdle I may have is that I was born in Guam, which most of these nominees probably don't know is a US Territory and will probably think I'm Japanese or some shit.

So I’ll be running in some sort of party. Let’s call it, the Super Awesome Democracy party, or SAD for short. I’ll do some stuff, but pretty much my campaign slogan will be “If you vote for me, all of your wildest dreams will come true”.

My platform will be pretty cool I guess. Women will get to decide what to do with all their reproductive bits, because I mean, why the hell do old men with no medical experience think they know what the hell goes on down there. God knows they don’t know what to do down there. They’re probably like “oh my god what is this tiny penis like looking thing, I’m not gay so I’m just going to work around it”. It’s the clitoris, you idiot, and women like it to be touched. That’s why pure romance parties are a thing. Also women will make 20% more than men. This isn’t to make up for years of unequal pay, I just want women to pay for shit more often cause they got more money than I do. Gay people can get married, because they deserve the right to be as miserable as married straight couples. Also, they can adopt all the orphans they can handle, because as far as I know there are literally millions of orphans.

I’m going to switch our system of government to a democratic, technocratic meritocracy. Jesus that’s like 13 syllables so I’ll break it down. People who hold high offices will not only be elected (democracy), but they will only be elected based on their proven contributions to that area of expertise (meritocracy), and be of the brightest individuals in that field (technocracy). Seriously, no more electing a dude that thinks the world is 4000 years old and that Jesus rode dinosaurs to the science committee. We will have actual scientists in the science committee. We will have actual educators in the education committees. And dammit we will have actual doctors in whatever committee makes healthcare decisions.

Next, free higher education. How will we pay for this socialist endeavor? By dismantling another socialist program. You see, we take taxpayer money and give it to corporations as bribes to keep doing business in our country, ignoring the irony that if we didn’t give them that money, they would still do business here because they still need to sell shit. Additionally, we let big businesses pay smaller taxes for the same reason, reducing the federal government’s tax revenue. Also, states are constantly poaching business by dangling the proverbial carrot of tax breaks so they will move to their state – sure it adds jobs to that state, but it eliminates jobs in the other state. That’s not going to happen anymore. Business will pay their fair share of taxes or they can move over and let another person start a business that’s not going to be a greedy jerk. You see, we spend a lot of tax money, and potential revenue to invest in big businesses that don’t need investing. They are plenty profitable. So I’m going to take that money and invest it into our own citizens so that we can continue being the highly educated and innovated country we are (or should be). Also, no more student debt, and low barriers of entry for our poorer citizens, which means they will have more consumer confidence to buy stuff. Pretty sure that’s how a healthy economy works.

What else… Oh yeah, some of the hawkish candidates think we need more money for our military. Hawkish is really just a term for politicians that want to drop freedom bombs on second and third world countries because freedom. Really, they just need to keep funding the war economy. A lot of their donors are wealthy business owners that make military equipment, and they need to give them a reason to make lots of money. Sure a lot of soldiers will die, but that’s worth it for the $20 million contract to make Kevlar vests for soldiers that won’t get them in time, because the project will end up going over budget and over schedule. So I’m going to reduce military spending to pre-9/11 levels. In the last 14 years, the defense budget doubled. I think we were still a force to be reckoned with in 2000, I think other countries will fear us just fine with the reduced spending. I mean, we spend more on defense than pretty much every country combined, I don’t think we need to keep pumping steroids into the proverbial biceps of military power (I used proverbial a lot). What’s that, Senator McCain? We need to protect ourselves against a potential attack from North Korea? They can’t even launch a missile that doesn’t comically flop into the ocean after 20 feet. Also, their ideal missile trajectory is to shoot it all the way across the pacific rather than over the northern pole which is like half the distance. I don’t think they have their shit together.

Free healthcare for everyone – you don’t even need insurance. We’ll probably pay for this with the reduced military spending. Canada figured it out, we can too. Do you want to be less capable of ensuring your citizens are healthy than Canada? Didn’t think so.

Naturalize immigrants from southern nations. I know, this is a controversial issue, but I’m going to be adding a whole lot of jobs. More jobs than we have workers, so we will need them. Also, it was the US drug war that pushed cartels further south into previously peaceful nations that are now nightmarish countries, which is why they are now trying to get into the US. We owe it to them to at least give them a new place to live, given the fact we totally screwed up their countries.

Buy an island and put Ted Nugent, Wayne LaPierre, and most other crazy open carry weapon nuts and people who shoot endangered species for fun on it. Then they can hunt each other and we won’t have to deal with it. Also, no for profit prisons, and no putting somebody that was busted with an ounce of weed in jail for 5 years. Seriously, it costs 40k a year per inmate and we are putting lots of people in there that will just recidivate because no one wants to hire a former inmate. The US has 5% of the worlds population and 25% of the worlds incarcerated population – pretty sure that’s not how it’s supposed to be. You’d think we were a nation of pure chaos with so many inmates, but nope, we just like to put non-violent offenders in jail for long periods of time so they can make shit on the cheap – mostly military gear. Indentured servitude at its finest – yay capitalism! Instead of incarcerating addicts, let’s send them to addiction counseling and solve the problem instead.

Women get like a year of maternity leave. They can split it with their husbands too. Babies need to be nurtured, yo. However, this may be an incentive for people to just pop out babies Duggars style so you will need to pass a test before you can become a parent. So we will need to get our scientists started on some sort of temporary, reversible sterilization. Yeah I know it goes against the whole “personal freedoms” thing, but come on, overpopulation is crazy high. Also have you ever seen that movie Idiocracy? This is about preservation of a healthy, intelligent human race. Also, we are banning the name “Cleetus”.

It's got what plants crave

Green energy for shits sake. We need it. No reason we can’t have solar panels, geothermal power, nuclear energy (ok, not so green but not so bad). I say we need to bring back Nikola Tesla’s “Tesla Coil” technology. You ever hear about it? Shit is crazy. What we do is put a metal rod down into the Earth’s surface, which transfers the natural resonance frequency into static electricity, which is then blasted into the Ionosphere, which is a electrically charged protective layer in Earth’s atmosphere. Then we can wirelessly transmit that energy into homes and buildings and such. It works, too. Tesls did this in like 1890. He was able to wirelessly power light bulbs a hundred feet away. It’s high voltage, so it can power a bunch of stuff, but low current so it’s not going to fry everything and everybody, also it’s alternating current, which is used by pretty much everything. The only reason we don’t have this now is because no one would invest in it, because they can’t make money off of it. Yay capitalism!

I will declare the “war on Christianity” over, because there is no war. Stop encroaching on other people’s right to freedom from religion and you won’t get so much pushback. No more refusing business on your “deeply held religious beliefs”. You don’t have deeply held beliefs, you just use that to make yourself comfortable for your irrational behavior. You are privileged to start and profit from a business in this country. If you want to refuse service to a minority, then you can kindly GTFO and make room for a responsible business owner. You clearly are not fit to own a business and take up market share. You can’t refuse birth control to employees because it’s against YOUR religion. Keep trying to say that it’s a deeply held religious belief while you are eating a bacon sandwich while getting a tattoo after your monthly haircut. You look ridiculous. Either practice your faith in full force or not at all, stop cherry picking. “Homosexuality is a Sin!” said the guy to his ex-wife. “Gay people will convert me to be gay!” – dude, you are already gay. “Birth control is abortion!” No, it’s pre-abortion. It’s about preventing fertilization, not terminating a pregnancy. If you promoted birth control there would be far less abortions. If you are against birth control, sex education, and safe sex, then you are promoting abortion, you stupid hypocrite.

I’m afraid of bridges, because they could collapse at any moment, so we’re going to go ahead and fix those. Also roads. Also all the other infrastructure.

Disband the Senate, or at least take away their lawmaking abilities. Think about it, a state with 1 million people has the same representation as a state with 30 million people in the Senate. That’s just unbalanced. The interests of the many, outweigh the interests of the very few. Sorry, but that’s just how it should be. We can compromise, but only so far. Life isn’t fair, we are all different, no one is going to get everything they want.

There’s probably some other stuff. Maybe build a wall at the Mexican border, but that wall goes around the entire state of Texas. Pretty much just give Mexico Texas. They can give us all the mariachi bands. Also give Canada back Justin Bieber and Ted Cruz. We will give them Alaska. Nothing against Alaska, it’s just why do we have a state up there? It should be part of Canada anyway. They also need to take back Ryan Gosling, he’s stealing all the pretty ladies. I’ll just wing foreign policy. How hard could it be?

All your women are belong to me